Getting rekt on a school night.
So, my nan is dying. My dad has gone away to work. I’ve just started a new job. My mother is struggling to hold it together. My sister is too naive to really understand what is going to happen. I just don’t know how to feel.
I feel I tell you because I want the sympathy yet, I hate the need for people to be sympathetic around me.
I hate the poker face I have to put on to simply endure the fact that we have to lift her frail bony body so she can use the toilet, sans dignity. She apologizes for the hassle and we have to tell her it’s no bother. Seeing a member of my family like this has never hit me so hard. Tell her that she’s going to be okay, with every sign of optimism, when I have none.
I’ve had to walk away tonight. Sat on the corner of my street with just these thoughts. I have to go back soon.
Tomorrow I have to be in a raring to go mood ready to learn how to be a bus driver when I’m just miserable as fuck.
Who do I speak to ? Who do I unload these heavy truths onto in a way for me to even try and feel happier. I wouldn’t wish for these feels to happen to the worst kind people I know, never mind a friend. I don’t want to share this burdon.
So many thoughts and feelings
I’ve never really tried to think about it, not ignorant, aware but desperate trying to avoid it. Seeing my nan round my house in the state she’s in is absolutely heart breaking. Coming to terms with the unfortunate truth that she won’t be with us much longer has hit me like a brick wall. I have no idea how to express how I feel.
I feel sad, if not lonely. I also think I screwed up. I need people in my life, too much of a social being to just exist on my own. It’s been a few days since I’ve spent any time with people I like, people who are my friends. I feel pretty down man. I felt confident enough to tell her but I’m terrified of the rejection. This is pretty much a cry for attention so just ignor me. I’ve got this great job lined up, I’m just waiting to start but, from now til then I just feel useless. I’ve ran out of money. I mean I’m sat here just watching endless episodes of adventure time. Did you know it takes them 9 months to hand draw each episode. I’m supposed be an adult, yet I feel crippled by my parents. They don’t just let me get on, judgement for not doing anything and judgement for doing something. I feel like I never know what is the right thing to do, regardless of the situation. I want to talk to people, let out my feelings yet I fear for burdening them with my shit, because I know how ridiculous it sounds. Rock and a hard place. I have a few great friends who I know are here for me but I don’t want to trouble them with daft ramblings like this. I’ve not just came on tumblr and talked in a while, with the illusion that my troubles are globally shared. I know better than this yet, I still keep typing. I sat up till 5am yesterday just bored, unable to sleep. I had went on a ‘walk’ that evening. Chain smoking and listening to music. I let her know so it’s not like I could have even just had the moment to myself, I love the company, the painfully awkward company which is nobodys fault but my own. Maybe just speaking my thoughts and putting them down in words might just be all I’m trying to do, I don’t know. Wallowing in self pity is what I’m doing, it’s pathetic really. I have such a good life yet I come out with shit like this feeling all troubled and what not. That’s what irritates me the most, there’s poor fucking people out there struggling to even just exist, yet I feel like the world is on my shoulders. Gay.
Tune in next time for more spooky skellingtons
Been doing an assessment today and basically the day I get my license back I can start my bus driver training, then you know be a proper bus driver. Pretty mad considering I just quit my old job and here I am with new prospects, new aspirations and I’ll be great money too.
Jamie clake you shit bag
I think you are a coward. And closer to me than what I first believed.
What have you to judge? I don’t speak about my life to anyone other than my closest of friends. More so what have I to judge ? And what actions do I not provide an explanation for ? At the end of the day if you have any complaints to make then just tell me straight up. More to the fact that you refuse to identify yourself shows that you are scared. In fact most of the good things that happen in my life I don’t fuck up so I don’t what you’re talking about. Its a shame you are faggot and hide behind the mask
I find it hard to understand that the man behind the mask can make the comments about appearance. What insecurities do you hold back anon? Are you so unbelievably disappointed with yourself that the only way you can feel better is to, on the face of it, call people names? Do you lack the intelligence to achieve what you want in life so you find that you have to try and troll me as a way to raise your status in a friendship group maybe? I don’t know, although I have not seen what you look like (or maybe I have, you never know) I can already see what kind of repulsive person you are. The fact that I dignify you with answer shows that in reality I actually feel sorry for you.
No not at all, I am who I am and what I see is meaningless. Its about what you do. I look back in my life and hate the poor decisions I’ve made about the opportunities I was graced with. To care about appearances is simply vain.